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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Strange Waters

Strange Waters

I've seen a high cairn kissed by holy wind
Seen a mirror pool cut by golden fins
Seen alleys where they hide the truth of cities
The mad whose blessing you must accept without pity  

I've stood in airports guarded glass and chrome
Walked rifled roads and landmined loam
Seen a forest in flames right down to the road
Burned in love till I've seen my heart explode

You've been leading me Beside strange waters

Across the concrete fields of man
Sun ray like a camera pans
Some will run and some will stand
Everything is bullshit but the open hand

You've been leading me Beside strange waters
Streams of beautiful lights in the night
But where is my pastureland in these dark valleys?

If I loose my grip, will I take flight?

You've been leading me Beside strange waters
Streams of beautiful lights in the night
But where is my pastureland in these dark valleys?

If I loose my grip, will I take flight?

Bruce Cockburn

I'm not sure why I'm posting a blog based on this song. I guess it's because it's both musically and lyrically SO evocative; brooding and yet somehow hopeful.
I think that's me lately: brooding and yet somehow hopeful.

We have dealt with so much since coming here and it has really tested me at times.
  • The move was punctuated by the fervently unhappy sound of felines and hills that threatened to stall our vehicle.
  • We lost one of our family members, our sweet Daphne cat, to the uncaring Highway 100.
  • Our big dog Penelope ended up being worse off than we thought and needed to have her leg removed to stop the cancer. I'm so glad she is well now.
  • We've had such tight times with money.
  • I've wrestled with my sense of identity and purpose and self-worth.
  • We are having to deal with a housemate that has a largely fictitious sense of reality. We are striving to make her come back and remove all her things.
  • We have sought and sought for places that allow people with pets to rent.
I was talking to Stephanie last night and wondering if this is what pioneers feel like?

Bruce recounts all the things he's seen and asks where his pastureland is, amidst the dark valleys. He wonders if he should loosen his grip, will he take flight? Will he be swept away?

I guess I wonder the same thing at times.

I recall a picture I saw online somewhere. Here, let me share it:

...well, I DO believe that.

Before this adventure, I knew that it was going to be an adventure and it's been that for sure.
I have to remember that adventures are by their very nature, often frightening things. The adventurer sets off after something and along the way is caused to suffer at times and break open. How else can the caterpillar emerge as the butterfly if it doesn't undergo this transformation?

I find myself wrung out and feeling spent at times and know only that if I don't keep treading water and/or swimming, then I will surely sink.
I will have none of that.

Sometimes I feel like I need to hold on tight to something...anything, to try and retain my sense of security at the uncertain times.
This reminds me of how fruitless it is to be grasping. Buddhists speak of not grasping, trying to hold onto ANYTHING because EVERYTHING is impermanent.

So, I see now why I gravitate toward this song right now. I am amazed and in awe of all the things I have seen and experienced thus far in my life; all the things that have led me to where I am right now.
I see myself grasping and trying to hold on in this flurry of circumstances and I ask myself, if I loose my grip, will I take flight?

Isn't that what I want...to emerge from my constraining chrysalis, spread my wings, loose my grip and take flight?

1 comment:

  1. You are hitting the proverbial nail on the head. I'm so glad to see you using this outlet to hash out these unsettled feelings. I need to do that more, but feel so overwhelmed and tired when I get home that I rarely have time to do anything aside from eat dinner with you and collapse into your warm, welcoming arms and lay around with our (remaining) pets. Long live Daphne Cat! I will post about her soon as I just found some lovely photos of her. Keep on keepin on, Noel! Keep exploring these feelings and find your center of gravity! Remember that your a Capricorn- you're feeling off balance and haven't found your footing yet so things feel off. Maybe some grounding exercises would help? <3